No news is good news, I suppose. I haven’t had much to say here that wouldn’t bore you to tears. There are only so many things I can say about my eating (it’s in check), my work outs (they’re actually progressing nicely) and my clothing size (I just bought a size 14 thank-you-very-much). I’ll try to come up with something more interesting to say.
I still have issues when it comes to eating in a group. I’m fairly certain I’ve never discussed it here, but I find it very uncomfortable to eat in front of people. Mostly because I feel watched, judged, and fatter in a group. I was a sneak-eater. In fact, I still ‘sneak’ foods. I’m not sure I ever fooled anyone. I mean, people are going to wonder where their lunch when, or who ate the left overs, or why they came home from work and all the little debbies were gone…but if they love you, they don’t bring it up. Maybe they should have, but I digress. Anyway, I like to eat in the privacy of my own home or car, that way I can have what I want, as much as I want, and eat it as fast as I want. I am sure that people don’t really care what I eat–especially friends. I also suspect nobody pays nearly as much attention and I do myself. But still, I get self conscious and think people are judging me for what and how much I am eating. I thought it would get better, but I’ve found as I get smaller, it only gets worse. Now I have a reputation to keep up with–I am a healthy, mindful eater. So when someone see sme going to town on something I assume they’re probably saying “Woah! How in the heck does she lose 110 pounds and still eat like that?!). If someone comments on the meal, it makes it worse for me. Hearing anyone say “I’m full/stuff/can’t eat” or commenting “this is too much” will trigger my mind and the wheels start turning. I’m not full! I’m not stuffed! I could eat more! What is wrong with me? WHY WON’T I EVER BE OKAY?!
There is a lot of shame for me, tied up in food and consumption. By eating alone in my car or house, I don’t have to be judged my others, just myself. Trust me, I’m my own harshest critic, but sometimes it didn’t and still doesn’t stop me from eating 2 egg mcmuffins for breakfast, where as if I’m with a friend I would split one. Part of the reason it’s hard to stick to an eating plan for me is that I tend to sneak eat foods and justify how much I can have based on who is around. less with friends, more with family, even more alone.
The truth in all this is nobody probably cares or notices…but it’s ME who wonders how I can still have so many food issues, how I can still want to eat so much…how I can still have an emotional hunger that isn’t satisfied, but somehow I manage to lose weight? It’s my own head playing the games and sometimes I just need to yell SHUT UP! in my brain and do what I need to do. In my mind, I know that different foods affect people in different ways. I know that something that stuffs me doesn’t stuff my friend, and things that don’t fill me may fill up my friend. I know that eating is a personal experience and that I can only control my thoughts and my actions. But when someone pushes a plate away and I’m still hungry, it’s the worst feeling ever. I begin to feel fat and made fun of, and maybe words haven’t even been spoken!
I am trying to work on my eating alone issue, which is hard since I live alone. What I want from myself is to, when eating alone, listen to my body and look for cues that tell me I’m full. I have never been good at this. If I want to lose more weight I need to be able to leave things on my plate, to tell that my stomach is full, and to realize I don’t have to clean my plate. When I am with friends, I also need to be well trained in these practices so I can focus on eating only until full, but I need to realize that may happen before someone at the table OR after someone at the table. Eating should be about me, not about what they’re watching me do. I *know* my friends would never judge, so it’s really my head game to solve, not a problem with them.
Any suggestions? Anyone else have a sneak-and-eat issue?
