I have a question that is weighing on my mind. Is self conscious behavior related to a distinct characteristic or is it inherent in the individual, despite what characteristics a person may express?
In other words, when the (*)*#$ will I stop being self conscious about what other people think? I certainly had daydreams when I was weighing in at 250 pounds that I would, one day, just miraculously wake up 100 pounds thinner and not give a shit about what people thought of me.
I woke up 100 pounds thinner today but still care about what people think. It’s funny, though, because I have the same insecurities, just in opposite sense. Rather than feeling judged because I’m fat and eating a cookie, I feel judged because I’m thin and eating a cookie. I feel like people are constantly watching my plate. I get self conscious when I eat dinner with other people. I don’t want to seem like I am overeating by not leaving something behind on the plate, because I feel like they’re watching to see if I’m going to break my diet. I feel bad if I take food that THEY would deem not appropriate, even if I am carefully counting my calories…again, they’re looking to see if I take my diet “seriously” or not. I also tend to be embarrassed ordering things. “Yeah, you REALLY need an individual pizza, fatass”…it’s like a thought bubble I see coming out of their head EVERY time. I ate dinner with someone I hadn’t seen in awhile last night, to catch up and hash things out…and though I know he never would verbalize it, I felt him watching bites. Watching my body move. Checking to see what was different. It was unnerving and I didn’t eat more than 3 bites before I felt “full”. He accepted my “I’m full” at face value and didn’t probe me. I mean, after all, you weigh 100 pounds less, you don’t eat as much, I guess.
It got worse today when I met a new face and the person politely offered me a cookie. I took half. I wanted to be polite, but I also am on plan this week and didn’t want to waste points. When I took half, person looked quizzical but didn’t question. When I made mention of going running after work, I think it clicked for them. I felt really bad. I don’t want said person to become uncomfortable in the office. I don’t want to be THAT person who is always talking about food, portions, health, exercise, etc. I don’t want to make someone feel like I felt when I was heavy. It’s a fine balance and I’m not sure how to find the niche where it all seems to flow.
It’s certainly interesting, being self conscious at any weight about what I am eating. It’s not pleasurable, that’s for darn sure. But maybe, just maybe, this is the first step to getting beyond those issues. Food is tied to so much emotion for me. I have conquered the battle of the buldge but I have not conquered my mind yet. I hope to sit down, one day, and only worry about what I am thinking…not what everyone else at the table is thinking about me. The lesson I picked up from all this is that whether I weigh 250 or 150, I need to worry about me and not what other’s perception of me is. Maybe I should’ve considered this yesterday too, when I was so worried about people calling me “thin”.
I did learn a nice lesson out of today’s philosophical thought…maybe people who made me feel bad didn’t intend to. Maybe they were just living their life and I was so insecure with my own weight issues that I took it personally. For that, I am truly sorry that I projected my behavior onto them and demonized them in my mind.
