I apologize for my absence but must be forthright in reporting that it is entirely due to lack of focus. I gained two pounds last week.
I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t stop eating. As hard as I tried, I made awful choices and nothing satisfied me. I knew I hit rock bottom when I sat on my couch drinking Crystal Lite fruit punch and eating organic croutons from the pouch because that’s honestly all that was left in my house. I was HUNGRY. Now, I didn’t do anything super stupid. I didn’t eat at Krispy Kreme or sneak through several drive thru windows or anything of the sort. I just didn’t follow plan. I went back for seconds, frequently. And it was a tough week to follow a plan, for sure, as we had several special meals planned for Administrative Professionals Day.
It was more than eating. I couldn’t go. Couldn’t go to Zumba, couldn’t walk on the greenway, couldn’t get off the couch. Couldn’t wake up in the mornings. Couldn’t go. At all.
I blame my lack of focus on myself. I let me get inside my own head. It’s never good when that happens. To be honest, in Las Vegas and since I have had more than my fair share of male attention, some new (Las Vegas) and some old (my bff never quite goes away…sigh.) but it’s made me think a lot, about my looks, about what I am now…
I am not sure how to formulate what I am trying to say here, so I should probably just come right out and say it. I have never felt attractive or wanted. For me, men have always cited my personality over my looks as a reason to be interested in me. I am “funny” or “hilarious” or “so smart”. But never was it “you are so amazingly hot physically that I must approach you and talk to you”. And I was okay with that. Who wanted that superficial attention anyway? But now that I am being noticed, it’s been a bit of a culture shock for me. And it’s caused me to go back and rethink previous relationships.
I always used my weight as an excuse. “We would’ve been together, had I been thin”. Well, hello! Here I am. 100 pounds thinner. It’s still not working. I came to the harsh realization two weeks ago that it wasn’t going to work, but not because of my weight. Just….because. So there is nothing left to blame. And part of me, deep down, kind of misses that scape goat. To be sure, it is fun to be thinner, to be prettier, to be HEALTHIER. But it was also easier to have something in my life to blame for things that went wrong. They were mean because I’m fat. They were rude because I’m disgusting. He didn’t want to be a good friend because I wasn’t attractive enough.
If I don’t have that crutch to lean on, where do I go from here? This is where I find myself, currently. Learning to live in a world where I don’t have that excuse. It’s a huge mental block for me, right now. And I am sure it was the root of my insatiable hunger that even croutons couldn’t quiet.
I am doing this for me, so I have to keep doing this for me. I have to do this whether anyone think s I am pretty or funny or both. So I am back at it this week, hoping to shed the 2 pounds. I hate that weight loss, for me, is as much mental as it is physical. And I hate that small things like someone saying “You’re so thin” or “You’re so beautiful” can crack me. It’s a struggle, constantly, to stay one step ahead of my negative self-think. Stink think, my doctor used to call it. I am doing this FOR ME. Not for anyone else, but for me. There is nothing WRONG with me.
I hope I am back on track.
This happened to me when I went on vacation once. I used my derailment as an excuse not to hop back on the wagon when I came home and that was literally the end of that diet. I’ve also used the excuse that I need to fix my mental issues before I can keep going with a diet as an excuse not to keep going or even start.
So, really, I think you should be proud of yourself for still posting on this blog and making an effort and not completely giving up. There is a reason weight loss is not easy.
Keep going!
Thanks Annie, I appreciate your kind comments. I hope to keep going. For me
This is embarrassing for me to say, but I believe we could know each other. Do we?
PS this is not a drama starting comment. Its just more for “full fisclosure”
I do sincerely appreciate your comment.
Disclosure. Jeez can I be more awkward
Well this is weird! Sorry ’bout that. I just saw a comment you made on another blog, was looking for some more inspiration, and followed the link over here. Sorry for the awkwardness, none intended
I do mean what I said though about staying on track. I went to visit my sister once and promptly quit the diet when I got back. I don’t know what it is about leaving your comfort zone and not being able to jump back on track. I feel like it would be a lot easier to lose weight in a bubble without dealing with everyone else’s reactions.
In any case, you look great, so good for you and keep up the good work. I’ll give you a heads up and say I’m in NYC now, but am actually interning at WUOT for the summer, so you may see me walking around on campus. Feel free to say hello if you see me, I’m not mean!
Annie,
Just wanted to let you know that I never assumed you had bad intentions. I knew from the nice tone of your comment you couldn’t possibly realize who I “am” beyond just some person who’s struggling with the mental aftermath of weight loss. Your comments were kind and thoughtful, and I wouldn’t have a public blog if I didn’t expect the public to read it…however…it’s pretty funny that you found it, all things considered.
Don’t be afraid to speak to me, I don’t bite anymore.