do you want to know a secret?

No news is good news, I suppose.  I haven’t had much to say here that wouldn’t bore you to tears.  There are only so many things I can say about my eating (it’s in check), my work outs (they’re actually progressing nicely) and my clothing size (I just bought a size 14 thank-you-very-much).  I’ll try to come up with something more interesting to say.

I still have issues when it comes to eating in a group.  I’m fairly certain I’ve never discussed it here, but I find it very uncomfortable to eat in front of people.  Mostly because I feel watched, judged, and fatter in a group.  I was a sneak-eater.  In fact, I still ‘sneak’ foods.  I’m not sure I ever fooled anyone.  I mean, people are going to wonder where their lunch when, or who ate the left overs, or why they came home from work and all the little debbies were gone…but if they love you, they don’t bring it up.  Maybe they should have, but I digress.  Anyway, I like to eat in the privacy of my own home or car, that way I can have what I want, as much as I want, and eat it as fast as I want.  I am sure that people don’t really care what I eat–especially friends.  I also suspect nobody pays nearly as much attention and I do myself.  But still, I get self conscious and think people are judging me for what and how much I am eating.  I thought it would get better, but I’ve found as I get smaller, it only gets worse.  Now I have a reputation to keep up with–I am a healthy, mindful eater.  So when someone see sme going to town on something I assume they’re probably saying “Woah! How in the heck does she lose 110 pounds and still eat like that?!). If someone comments on the meal, it makes it worse for me.  Hearing anyone say “I’m full/stuff/can’t eat” or commenting “this is too much” will trigger my mind and the wheels start turning.  I’m not full! I’m not stuffed! I could eat more! What is wrong with me? WHY WON’T I EVER BE OKAY?!

There is a lot of shame for me, tied up in food and consumption.  By eating alone in my car or house, I don’t have to be judged my others, just myself.  Trust me, I’m my own harshest critic, but sometimes it didn’t and still doesn’t stop me from eating 2 egg mcmuffins for breakfast, where as if I’m with a friend I would split one.  Part of the reason it’s hard to stick to an eating plan for me is that I tend to sneak eat foods and justify how much I can have based on who is around.  less with friends, more with family, even more alone.

The truth in all this is nobody probably cares or notices…but it’s ME who wonders how I can still have so many food issues, how I can still want to eat so much…how I can still have an emotional hunger that isn’t satisfied, but somehow I manage to lose weight? It’s my own head playing the games and sometimes I just need to yell SHUT UP! in my brain and do what I need to do. In my mind, I know that different foods affect people in different ways.  I know that something that stuffs me doesn’t stuff my friend, and things that don’t fill me may fill up my friend.  I know that eating is a personal experience and that I can only control my thoughts and my actions.  But when someone pushes a plate away and I’m still hungry, it’s the worst feeling ever.  I begin to feel fat and made fun of, and maybe words haven’t even been spoken!

I am trying to work on my eating alone issue, which is hard since I live alone.  What I want from myself is to, when eating alone, listen to my body and look for cues that tell me I’m full. I have never been good at this. If I want to lose more weight I need to be able to leave things on my plate, to tell that my stomach is full, and to realize I don’t have to clean my plate.  When I am with friends, I also need to be well trained in these practices so I can focus on eating only until full, but I need to realize that may happen before someone at the table OR after someone at the table.  Eating should be about me, not about what they’re watching me do.  I *know* my friends would never judge, so it’s really  my head game to solve, not a problem with them.

Any suggestions? Anyone else have a sneak-and-eat issue?

if beauty is truth and surgery…the fountain of youth?

I am holding strong at 188, despite vacation, so that’s a good thing.  This week I am kicking up my exercise again, including wearing a pedometer and trying to reach my 10,000 steps per day goal.  I met it yesterday.  I was at around 5,000 steps when I left work and reached 9,000 when I left the gym.  Tanning and Target took care of reaching the 10,200 mark.  Unfortunately I’m only at about 2,000 today.  I need to take a walk or something for lunch…

I am confident that I can reach my ultimate goal by Christmas with dedication. It’s time to focus again, to realize what I am doing and why it matters.  I know I can maintain, but I’m ready to be in meltdown mode again.  It’s time to turn down the peanut M&Ms instead of having a small serving.  It’s time to drink water with lemon instead of sugar-free drinks.  I am lazy, but it’s comforting to know that my “lazy” mode hasn’t been a weight gain, just a maintenance.

I am starting to wonder what I look like beneath the saggy skin.  If my saggy stomach wasn’t there, I’d be at least 3 sizes smaller than what I wear. I worry that my saggy skin won’t go away.  Having surgery is something I fear, but would be willing to do.  I want a curvaceous figure, not a stick figure, but I also want to look normal and not make it so obvious that I’ve lost so much weight.  When I hide the skin, I am constantly told “I would NEVER guess you were 100 pounds overweight”.  I want to feel that way too! I am comfortable with a tummy tuck because it’s not a weight loss aid, it would be used to fix my figure.

Mostly I regret not taking care of my body sooner, when I could’ve naturally lost the skin.  If I had my life to do over, there’s not much I would change.  But I would have treated my body better, sooner. Alas, all I can do is move from here and promise to never disregard my health again.

Take a Good Look at My Face

No weight updates as I haven’t been to WW in about 2 weeks, but some photos of my progress couldn’t hurt, could it?

I feel slender in this outfit

True, the outfit is flattering and hides my trouble spots, but…not ALL of it’s the clothing! I’m working hard and it’s paying off.  I feel sexy. I wore it to graduation and expected lots of compliments but only received one.  Amanda was graduating and took the time to stop at my station and tell me how wonderful I look these days.

Compliments come fewer and fewer the smaller I get.  I need the positive reinforcement, but…I guess that’s going to have to come from within since the one compliment I was striving for already came and went with little fanfare in a corner of the UC…

over and over again

I tend to eat the same things over and over and get sick of them.  It’s not as bad as it used to be, but I still tend to do that.  However, when I find something that I like and that has fewer fats, more fiber, and is tasty, I can’t help but rely on that.  I find different things that keep me on track for a month or so, then switch to new products or older things that I relied on before.  It’s a cycle that I repeat and one that helps me keep losing weight.  I like to try new things, but I also like to have ‘old stand-bys” that I know will fill me up and keep me going.

Lately I have been back on the All Bran crackers.  You can have 18 of those for a small amount of calories, and coupled with a laughing cow cheese, it makes an EXCELLENT snack to grab and take to work for the afternoon.  I ate these about a year ago until I couldn’t physically stand the sight of them, but I bought some yesterday and I’m interested in them again.  The bran makes them super filling, the salt really comes through and takes away that craving.  Delicious.  Speaking of Laughing Cow cheese triangles, the new Lite French Onion flavor is excellent.

When I began getting serious about my weight loss about a year ago, I also ate a lot of yogurt but moved beyond that at some point, probably because I got sick of it.  I didn’t try many flavors because the ones I did try weren’t very tasty, but I gave the new Yoplait Light flavors a go about two weeks ago and I’m on them again.  Instead of traditional breakfast flavors, though, I’ve been concentrating on the dessert ones.  Red Velvet Cake, Cinnamon Buns, Cherry Cobbler, etc.  I eat yogurt for breakfast sometimes but these flavors have been more of a staple for me after dinner when I need something sweet.

Today’s newest find is what inspired my blog this morning.  I am a sucker for apple juice but only drink it when I’m SEVERELY sick now because it’s ridiculously high in calories…but I took a chance and bought a Crystal Lite type powder packet that is sugar free and 5 calories per serving…and it’s delicious! Takes just like apple juice.  Definitely a treat.

I am sure I will be finished with these things soon and onto something else….more updates then

i swear i knew it all along

“You look great.”

It shouldn’t matter that you said it, but it totally did.

I am…vindicated.  I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.  Thank you.

A day of vindication

don’t be surprised if i fall head over feet

I know that nearly everyone will find this lame, but I don’t care.  It’s totally my blog and I can be lame if I want to.

Yesterday, for the first time in my whole entire 25 years of existence, I rode rollercoasters.  More than once.  And some even went UPSIDE DOWN.

If you knew anything about me, you’d know that this is a huge deal for me.  I am not a risk taker.  I keep my feet on the ground (and unlike Casey Kasim I don’t really reach for the stars while I do it…does anyone even get that reference anymore? I digress..).  I am logical, I am calm, and I don’t do outrageous things.  I never have.  Growing up my family never forced me onto a roller coaster.  And because they refused to push me into those situations, I refused to push myself.  It’s probably an element of control-obsession.  I like to know what comes next.

The fear I had with roller coasters was irrational because a) I don’t mind heights, at all, and b) I enjoy going fast and feeling the “bellyflop”.  But for some reason I was just convinced that I don’t like heart-pounding and fright.  I’ll admit that I stood in lines years ago that were days long, only to arrive at the loading dock and not be able to get on the ride.  I know it frustrated my boyfriend.  It frustrated me, too, not being able to force myself to do something that, deep down, I really wanted to do.

There was virtually no lines yesterday and within 10 minutes of entering the park I was marched up to a roller coaster and put in the seat.  Before I could say “I’m afraid”, it was off and there was no choice.  But I was okay with it! I don’t know why, but for some reason yesterday I was ready to be fearless.  I opened my eyes at every turn, even if I wanted to squeeze them shut.  I screamed, not in fear but EXCITEMENT.  Alright, maybe a few times in fear! The big drops scare me, but the small ones made me laugh.  I was so proud that I went down the first drop and survived.  I am sure I was beaming, and looking like a 25 year old idiot.  I have bruises because I held on so hard.

I know that it sounds lame to you all, but it gave me a sense that I have come so far.  On the steel coaster that contains two inversions, I was screaming my head off and laughing…but I all of a sudden screamed out loud “THIS IS LIFE”.  My cousin kind of laughed, I’m not sure she knew what I was meaning.  But, in a sense, being upside down scared to death but still kind of loving it, to me, was a sense that I have this new life I’m living.  This is what people do.  They take risks and chances.  They are daring.  They have fun.  Normal people ride coasters.  Normal people don’t doubt themselves to the point of panic.  Normal people trust physics to carry them through those moments.

So much has changed for me, not just physically, but mentally.  I am so proud of myself for riding those things and not freaking out or crying.  I am proud of myself for enjoying it.  I can’t say for sure if I will get on them again, but I don’t see why I wouldn’t.  I have come a long way.  I am more mellow and a better person to be around.  This makes me so incredibly happy.

If you want this related to weight loss, here’s the thing–I fit all the rides easily, didn’t crowd my partner, and didn’t feel the need to check in the test seat before I got on the ride.  It was pretty liberating to just be okay to walk up and not be embarrassed.  Also I think I trusted my 180 pound self to be safe  way more than a 293 pound Stefanie to be safe on something like that.

May I have your attention please, for one moment.

*ahem* Ladies and Gentlemen.  Please welcome to the party, for the first time in nearly 14 years….

MY RIB CAGE.  You can SEE my rib cage now.

Rib cage joins the party already attended by my HIP BONES and COLLAR BONE, but they only arrived in March of 2009 anyway, so rib cage isn’t too late, really.

I always find bones sticking out of my body in the bed.  That sounds bad, hahahaha! Honestly, when I lay awake in bed and roll over, now that I am losing weight, it happens pretty suddenly, and out of the blue…I will roll over and say OW what WAS that?!  Feel around, and sure enough it’s a new bone that is visible that wasn’t before.  Hips, collar bone, that weird nobule on your wrist (didn’t even know that existed. WTF is it?) and now the rib cage.

I think this is cause for celebration! So I’ll help myself to………………

a new book.

You thought I was gonna say food, huh?

I’m so freaking different you wouldn’t even believe it if I told you, ya’ll.

keep me out of the devil’s bite

I have a question that is weighing on my mind.  Is self conscious behavior related to a distinct characteristic or is it inherent in the individual, despite what characteristics a person may express?

In other words, when the (*)*#$ will I stop being self conscious about what other people think?  I certainly had daydreams when I was weighing in at 250 pounds that I would, one day, just miraculously wake up 100 pounds thinner and not give a shit about what people thought of me.

I woke up 100 pounds thinner today but still care about what people think.  It’s funny, though, because I have the same insecurities, just in opposite sense.  Rather than feeling judged because I’m fat and eating a cookie, I feel judged because I’m thin and eating a cookie.  I feel like people are constantly watching my plate.  I get self conscious when I eat dinner with other people.  I don’t want to seem like I am overeating by not leaving something behind on the plate, because I feel like they’re watching to see if I’m going to break my diet.  I feel bad if I take food that THEY would deem not appropriate, even if I am carefully counting my calories…again, they’re looking to see if I take my diet “seriously” or not. I also tend to be embarrassed ordering things.  “Yeah, you REALLY need an individual pizza, fatass”…it’s like a thought bubble I see coming out of their head EVERY time. I ate dinner with someone I hadn’t seen in awhile last night, to catch up and hash things out…and though I know he never would verbalize it, I felt him watching bites. Watching my body move. Checking to see what was different. It was unnerving and I didn’t eat more than 3 bites before I felt “full”.  He accepted my “I’m full” at face value and didn’t probe me.  I mean, after all, you weigh 100 pounds less, you don’t eat as much, I guess.

It got worse today when I met a new face and the person politely offered me a cookie.  I took half.  I wanted to be polite, but I also am on plan this week and didn’t want to waste points.  When I took half, person looked quizzical but didn’t question.  When I made  mention of going running after work, I think it clicked for them.  I felt really bad.  I don’t want said person to become uncomfortable in the office.  I don’t want to be THAT person who is always talking about food, portions, health, exercise, etc.  I don’t want to make someone feel like I felt when I was heavy.  It’s a fine balance and I’m not sure how to find the niche where it all seems to flow.

It’s certainly interesting, being self conscious at any weight about what I am eating.  It’s not pleasurable, that’s for darn sure.  But maybe, just maybe, this is the first step to getting beyond those issues.  Food is tied to so much emotion for me.  I have conquered the battle of the buldge but I have not conquered my mind yet.  I hope to sit down, one day, and only worry about what I am thinking…not what everyone else at the table is thinking about me.  The lesson I picked up from all this is that whether I weigh 250 or 150, I need to worry about me and not what other’s perception of me is.  Maybe I should’ve considered this yesterday too, when I was so worried about people calling me “thin”.

I did learn a nice lesson out of today’s philosophical thought…maybe people who made me feel bad didn’t intend to.  Maybe they were just living their life and I was so insecure with my own weight issues that I took it personally. For that, I am truly sorry that I projected my behavior onto them and demonized them in my mind.

I’m doin’ me…what? I’m doin’ me

I apologize for my absence but must be forthright in reporting that it is entirely due to lack of focus.  I gained two pounds last week.

I couldn’t stop.  I couldn’t stop eating.  As hard as I tried, I made awful choices and nothing satisfied me.  I knew I hit rock bottom when I sat on my couch drinking Crystal Lite fruit punch and eating organic croutons from the pouch because that’s honestly all that was left in my house.  I was HUNGRY.  Now, I didn’t do anything super stupid.  I didn’t eat at Krispy Kreme or sneak through several drive thru windows or anything of the sort.  I just didn’t follow plan.  I went back for seconds, frequently.  And it was a tough week to follow a plan, for sure, as we had several special meals planned for Administrative Professionals Day.

It was more than eating.  I couldn’t go.  Couldn’t go to Zumba, couldn’t walk on the greenway, couldn’t get off the couch.  Couldn’t wake up in the mornings.  Couldn’t go. At all.

I blame my lack of focus on myself.  I let me get inside my own head.  It’s never good when that happens.  To be honest, in Las Vegas and since I have had more than my fair share of male attention, some new (Las Vegas) and some old (my bff never quite goes away…sigh.) but it’s made me think a lot, about my looks, about what I am now…

I am not sure how to formulate what I am trying to say here, so I should probably just come right out and say it.  I have never felt attractive or wanted.  For me, men have always cited my personality over my looks as a reason to be interested in me.  I am “funny” or “hilarious” or “so smart”.  But never was it “you are so amazingly hot physically that I must approach you and talk to you”.  And I was okay with that.  Who wanted that superficial attention anyway?  But now that I am being noticed, it’s been a bit of a culture shock for me.  And it’s caused me to go back and rethink previous relationships.

I always used my weight as an excuse.  “We would’ve been together, had I been thin”.   Well, hello! Here I am.  100 pounds thinner.  It’s still not working.  I came to the harsh realization two weeks ago that it wasn’t going to work, but not because of my weight.  Just….because.  So there is nothing left to blame.  And part of me, deep down, kind of misses that scape goat.   To be sure, it is fun to be thinner, to be prettier, to be HEALTHIER.  But it was also easier to have something in my life to blame for things that went wrong.  They were mean because I’m fat.  They were rude because I’m disgusting.  He didn’t want to be a good friend because I wasn’t attractive enough.

If I don’t have that crutch to lean on, where do I go from here?  This is where I find myself, currently.  Learning to live in a world where I don’t have that excuse.  It’s a huge mental block for me, right now.  And I am sure it was the root of my insatiable hunger that even croutons couldn’t quiet.

I am doing this for me, so I have to keep doing this for me.  I have to do this whether anyone think s I am pretty or funny or both.  So I am back at it this week, hoping to shed the 2 pounds.  I hate that weight loss, for me, is as much mental as it is physical.  And I hate that small things like someone saying “You’re so thin” or “You’re so beautiful” can crack me.  It’s a struggle, constantly, to stay one step ahead of my negative self-think.  Stink think, my doctor used to call it.  I am doing this FOR ME.  Not for anyone else, but for me.  There is nothing WRONG with me.

I hope I am back on track.

just trying to be somebody

Long time, no blog.  I apologize for my abscence, but I feel like it probably hasn’t been noticed that much! I was busy vacationing with my overly generous  (but sincerely appreciated!) family in Las Vegas. 

Yes, Las Vegas.  Home of  3 mile buffets and sugary-alcoholic-drink-stand on every corner.  I am pleased to report that not only was I able to enjoy myself by overindulging in drinks, I was also able to enjoy myself indulging in delicious food and was able to walk away from the vacation on a positive note.  I do not feel that I over-ate or totally “blew” my diet at all on this trip.  Thanks to PLENTY of walking around town and in the desert, as well as better choices on my part, I was able to come away with only a slight gain of 6 pounds, 2 of which were gone by the second day I was home.  Not bad, if you ask me.  I am pretty proud of myself for my behavior on vacation.  No doubt part of that was fueled by the attention I recieved from a few men in Las Vegas (seriously, it was crazy, I have NEVER been pursued like that!).  The move that made me realize I have come a long, long way occured on my last night in Nevada, where I walked away from a significant portion of a very expensive steak at Delmonicos, knowing if I ate any more I’d be miserable, physically and mentally.  Old Stefanie would have eaten the ENTIRE steak because a) it was delicious and I was a glutton and b) it was SO expensive how can you just leave that?! I was surprised, but in the end I really stuck to my eating intution and knew when to say when.  Go me!

For some reason, my eating habits have been AWFUL since I got home.  I am not sure why, but starting at the airport in Nevada I had a bag of Bugles and it’s been all downhill from there.  I ate a hot dog AND a cinnamon bun in Charlotte, kept it together Thursday to Saturday, then today I ate Japanese food (too much), ribs (oops) and a slice of left over pizza.  It hasn’t been really great food, anyway, and I’d much rather just get back on the wagon.  I felt pretty blah at work when I returned on Thursday…we are so busy and I am SO stressed out with a new job transition that has occured but my old responsibilities haven’t shifted to someone new yet…plus I did some Facebook stalking I shouldn’t have…I dunno how to describe it really, I’ve just felt BLAH.  And therefore my activity and eating hasn’t been great.  I sat down this evening, put pen to paper, and I have my goals for the week clearly listed out.  I am ready to rejoin the program.

Week of 4-12-2010 thru 4-18-2010

GOALS:

*track every bite Monday through Sunday.  Count points when possible but still write every bite in tracker if points value not available

*water–1 glass before meals, water while at work and during gym activities.  No soft drinks Monday-Friday. 

*Pills–I need to restart my acai pills as well as my prescription medication again, I slacked off in Vegas.

*Fiber therapy (metamucil)–twice per day, a.m. and p.m., with 8 oz of water.  I have noticed better weight loss and generally less bloat when I’ve done this.  Yeah, I’m 25.  Shut up.

* Exercise plan:  Zumba on Monday and Wednesday, Yoga on Wednesday, as well as week one of the Couch to 5k program.  Again.  I am STICKING WITH IT. 

Challenges I will face this week:

*Combating stress eating

*Special day Saturday that includes open bar AND a catered affair in my favorite place EVER…Neyland Stadium

Plan of attack:

*Take meals to work and only take enough for breakfast, lunch, and snack PER DAY

*Leave debit card in car so I can’t buy snacks at the University Center

*Allot points for open bar on Saturday, eat breakfast to avoid bad pasteries that are inevitably served. Use common sense, but enjoy my trip to the Sky Box (sorry, thats the best I can do…)

Tonight I took a shower, blowdryed my hair, and packed my gym bag.  I have breakfast planned to grab on my way out the door.  I am definitely recommitted and it’s a relief.  I’ll report back tomorrow and see if I am as excited…